My brother-in-law, Jay, has heard enough and doesn’t want to hear another word, one in particular. No more conversations dominated by the “T-word.” Ever!
Blather on about the weather, the Olympics, the price tea in China, my recent colonoscopy, Jay pleads with me —anything but the T-word.
Do I really have to spell it out for you?
So Jay and I have established a new nonprofit NGO: the Commission to Halt the Ubiquitous Mention in conversation of a certain President’s name, his boorish behavior, profanity, serial inanity etc., or CHUMP for short.
“T” is only the latest word we have to, or at least should avoid inflicting on our fellow woman. There is “S***hole,” of course, and the “F-bomb.” It was once thought that people who used the “P- word”—and talked about grabbing it like a lowlife sexual predator— didn’t generally win general elections.
Those were quaint times, weren’t they? Thanks to the T-man, the P-word is now as common in the media and the chatter around the water cooler as paleo-diet or pheromone party.
Thankfully, the “N-word” is no longer in common currency. Some Republican pols, however, still try to convey its malicious import by substituting “dog whistles,” such as falsely accusing President Barack Obama of not being born in the United States.
Well, my fellow Americans, it is time to add the T-word to the list of unmentionables, anathema at least in polite company. It’s not going to be easy, because Mr. T (no, not the less volatile guy from the A-Team) is in the headlines and on TV every single day, nay, every waking hour. The talking heads —left and right, whether loving or loathing him—can’t get enough of the crude dude, even if most of us did months ago (actually, most of us voters had had enough of him on November 8, 2016).
This person (not to be named later or ever again) starts a rumpus on the hour. If he isn’t alienating a longtime ally or threatening to inaugurate nuclear winter all by his lonesome, someone in his inner circle of nitwits is being accused of sexual assault, is quitting, or is being fired for behavior unbecoming even for a member of Mr. T’s cabinet.
Unsaid person also Tweets everyday like there’s no tomorrow (and that may turn out to be the case one day very soon).
There’s no escape. That’s where CHUMP comes in.
Join Jay and I and start the arduous 389-step process today.
Step One: Make a list of what you talked about in early 2015 before the onset of Mad T Disease. I know, it’s hard to remember, so here are some helpful clues:
- Your children who are still living in the basement, with your grandchildren.
- When will the Chicago Cubs ever win another World Series?
- Is Obama a Muslim?
- Your neighbor’s dog who won’t stop yapping, just like you-know-who was threatening to run for president in 2016 … well, never mind all that.
- On the international front, those whacky Brits who were contemplating leaving the European Union: boy, didn’t that seem like a dumb idea (still does), almost as stupid as electing an orange-crowned … oops, sorry, not supposed to go there. This is hard!
- And there’s always religion, which used to be taboo but is now preferable to obsessing about you know who. Engage your friends, colleagues, and complete strangers in a rousing discussion of the pluses and minuses of Sharia Law—or Catholic Law, for that matter, and a woman’s right to choose.
Only 388 more steps to go and you’ll kiss the DTs goodbye!
David Holahan is a freelance writer who lives in East Haddam.