The president of the land of the free and the home of the brave has taken his “bully pulpit” and stormed home. He stashed it right next to his ball and glove and his oft-used golf clubs.

When he got home, he did what he does best:

· He sulked
· He watched a lot of TV
· He screamed at his flunkies
· He blamed everyone within a 360-degree radius
· He considered firing more people

Why has POTUS left his briefing podium, where he has been droning on every day for nearly two months, since his political rallies were shut down? Because the big bad media (which had afforded him all that free TV time) keeps asking “nasty” questions, like “Why are you pushing quack treatments for a deadly virus?”

Aw, poor Mr. President. Who knew that his job would entail answering tough questions? Who could have seen that coming?

Golly jeepers, why can’t those mean and nasty reporters ask some nice-as-pie questions once in a while?

In this age of “alternative facts,” I hereby offer my fellow scribes some alternative questions for our beleaguered “leader.”

Rather than this queasy query: “Mr. President, why were you so slow to react to the pandemic?”

Toss him this softball: “Where do you buy over-long red neckties?”

Instead of this high hard one: “Why do you say one thing one day and the opposite the next—for example, you insisted that you were in charge of opening up America and then conceded that it was up to the governors of the 50 states, as the Constitution prescribes?”

Why not lob this one in: “Is Jared Kushner your favorite son-in-law?”

In place of this impolite inquiry: “Why do you keep insisting America has enough testing capacity for the virus when your own health advisors repeatedly report that it doesn’t?”

Why not try a little tenderness: “Do you miss Sean Spicer as much as Melissa McCarthy does?”

As opposed to this inconvenient inquest, “Why do you deny saying things you said, statements that are in the public record; for example, denying that you praised China for its handling of the pandemic when you did so on numerous occasions?”

How about this fat pitch: “What’s your favorite sport?”

Trump, of course, will be back at the podium faster than you can kiss a duck. He just loves to educate the public on what a swell job he is doing, a job like no one has ever seen before. Everybody knows it. He pointed out once what we all knew: his poll numbers were better than Abraham Lincoln’s. Honest, you can look it up; he said that.

Who are we, my fellow denizens of the fourth estate, to argue with our “Lincolnesque leader?”

My fellow scribblers, I beseech you. Can’t you find a little pity in your hearts for our poor obscenely rich president? He has a tough job. You try watching more than four hours of Fox News ever morning before showing up for work in the Oval Office.

Besides, what has he ever done to us? Okay, other than calling us crazed, dishonest fake newsmakers who are the “enemies of the people” and who no longer possess the brains we were born with.

Can’t you tell when someone is being sarcastic?

David Holahan is a freelance writer from East Haddam.

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