He’s a cartoonish character who isn’t funny and won’t leave us be. My fellow Americans, we are all Mr. Wilson, and Donald the Menace, the bratty kid who lives next door in the White House, is destroying the neighborhood.
For starters, Donald ignores pandemics like Dennis avoids soap and water.
Donald also behaves as badly as Dennis, only worse, bullying people and calling them names that would get a third-grader sent to the principal’s office.
Like Dennis, Donald needs grown-ups —or what passes for adults in his administration— to clean up after he makes a mess.
Donald doesn’t do his homework. He reportedly can’t be bothered reading intelligence briefings on topics like: Look out, a pandemic is looming! Then, of course, he’ll claim he wasn’t properly briefed. Kids say the darndest things!
And like a kid, Donald watches too much TV. We’d be better off if he viewed the Cartoon Network for hours on end as opposed to the fabulist Fox News.
When caught doing something bad, Donald spouts grandiose and threadbare lies that would make Dennis blush.
But make no mistake: our flesh and blood menace is real. Donald wants us all to vote in person come November, in hopes that the pandemic will suppress turnout and boost his chances. So mask-up and slather on the Purell, Grandma and Ggrandpa, and double-check your last wills and testament, too; then slog on down and get in the long line at the polls. Afterwards, be sure to self-quarantine for two weeks and kiss the grandkids via Zoom.
Donald rants and raves and lies that voting by mail is fraught with fraud, but the real reason he opposes it is that he believes, as he once said, “you’d never have a Republican elected in this country again.”
Donald is wrong, of course, as he so often is. There is no evidence that voting by mail either favors Democrats or is more prone to voter fraud than casting ballots in person. In fact, instances of illegal voting, which is so often cited to justify voter suppression measures, are in the low range of miniscule to hardly any.
The menace of Donald’s first term, my fellow Mr. and Ms. Wilsons, will be nothing if this bad boy is reelected. He has spent the last few months firing a handful of government watchdogs —inspectors general whose job is to ferret out waste, corruption and malfeasance. So much for “draining the swamp.”
Donald is replacing these independent officials, who owe their existence to the Watergate scandal of the 1970s, with political appointees who won’t be asking any of those “nasty” questions that he dislikes so much. Donald Redux will make us Wilsons nostalgic for the good old days of Nixon and Agnew.
So what have we got to lose with four more years of Donald the Menace unbounded? If you’re one of those people who thinks he’s on your side, that he’s all about helping working men and women, check this out: While you’re waiting for your $1,200 pandemic check to arrive in the mail, that same March relief package included $135 billion (yes, billion) in giveaways to fat cats, including (surprise, surprise) real estate developers. Most of that slush fund is going to people making $1 million or more a year. Pity the poor plutocrats!
Donald the Menace promised lots of things to get our vote, things nobody had ever promised before. He was going to balance the budget and get rid of the national debt. As he is wont to say, that’s a big fat joke. The deficit was ballooning, thanks to his 1.5 trillion tax cut, well before the pandemic hit —truly for once, like nobody had ever seen before.
Space permits only two more Donald whoppers. He railed against his predecessor for playing too much golf and for issuing too many executive orders—which he termed “major power grabs of authority.”
He is playing more rounds of golf than Barack Obama, of course, and has issued many more executive orders. He was golfing over the Memorial Day weekend, in fact, as the pandemic death toll in the United States approached 100,000.
My fellow Wilsons, I submit that the neighborhood can’t take four more years of Donald’s juvenile delinquency.
David Holahan is a freelance writer from East Haddam.