It is a melancholy mission for those who walk the cafeterias of our great nation’s elementary schools to behold the tender children of the Republic, their lunch trays burdened with broccoli, their faces solemn, their spirits subdued. These young citizens, deprived of joy and simple pleasure, choke down baked chicken and steamed vegetables, while candy—sweet, radiant candy—lies banished, deemed too dangerous for their delicate constitutions.
I think it is agreed that this deplorable situation must be remedied, and that children should be allowed, nay entitled, to select candy as a legitimate option for lunch.
I shall now, therefore, humbly propose my thoughts on this most righteous addition, which I expect will not be subject to the least objection.
The Proposal
Every elementary school shall be required to offer candy as a regular, state and local board of education-approved lunch option, equal in standing to the turkey sandwich, the whole grain vegan wrap, or bagel with butter option. Elementary-aged children, upon entering the cafeteria, may exercise their unalienable rights to freedom of choice by selecting as part of their school lunch from a variety of tantalizing confection offerings—candy bars, jellybeans, gummy bears, and, for the health-conscious, dark chocolate (70% cacao minimum).
The Advantages of This Scheme
- Cultivation of Moral Character
Though candy is known to be addictive and nearly impossible to resist, the opportunity to abstain builds character and virtue. What better way to teach self-control than to place temptation directly in reach of a four to eleven- year-old? It is by confronting vice that true grit and character is forged. - Rewarding Good Children
We must remember that these are “good children,” raised on parental and societal affirmations steeped in sound nutrition. Surely being model, mini-adults entitles them to the option—if not the necessity—of choice. Denying candy is an unspeakably paternalistic insult to their moral worth and conception of self-worth. - Therapeutic Benefit for the Candy-Dependent
For those unfortunate youths already succumbed to candy addiction, this policy will serve as exposure therapy and fulfil the school’s obligation to grow and train such children emotionally. Permitting access to known weaknesses, those children will surely develop the strength to overcome temptation and addiction, as is the case with some. History has shown this method to be universally successful, at least according to social media posts and comments. - Minimal Collateral Damage
Now, some have raised the alarm that permitting candy at lunch will unleash scenes of ungovernable frenzy — that the halls shall echo with the delirious laughter of sugar-maddened youth, that teachers shall cower behind their Chromebooks as children overturn desks and rend the very Smartboards from the walls. These apprehensions, though charming in their naïveté, are founded upon nothing more substantial than hysteria. For if any parent objects, let them simply instruct their own offspring to abstain from such sugary indulgence, and further, to remove themselves from the presence of any classmate who dares to partake. Surely this modest act of self-segregation will present no difficulty to the progeny of those noble families still guided by “old-fashioned” principles — those steadfast souls who raise their children as though it were still the era of rotary telephones and VCRs. - Physiological Suitability
Everyone knows that children have famously fast metabolisms. Their small bodies burn sugar with the intensity of a ravenous tiger. Thus, the consumption of candy as an occasional main or even side dish at lunch would serve to merely sustain their natural energy levels, preventing that tragically familiar afternoon fatigue. - Emergency Preparedness
Significantly, in an age where schools must be vigilant against all manner of threats—from weather events to escaped wildlife roaming the halls—it is only prudent to ensure our children are equipped. Candy offered at lunch, being light, portable, and high in caloric content, can be safely stored in a child’s pocket in the case of such an emergency. - Dental Concerns Grossly Exaggerated
Some nervous Nellies warn that candy will rot the children’s teeth. But such fears are misplaced. Parents may simply instruct their children not to eat candy at home and to brush their teeth while at home instead. In this way, schools promote freedom and sweetness, while the parents maintain oral hygiene and stricter rules in the privacy of their own homes. Truly, a perfect balance of liberty and responsibility. - Parental Sovereignty
To deny a parent’s right to send their child to school that offers an option of candy at lunch is to deny the very foundation of liberty. What next—will the school prohibit their smart devices? I shudder to think what tyranny lies ahead of that slippery slope. - Culinary Excellence
Candy, unlike the mundane meat and sides currently served, is delicious. The human palate evolved to crave pleasure, and to deprive a child of this natural delight is both cruel and unusually contrary to nature. - Preparation for Adulthood
Lastly, we must recognize that children will have access to candy for the rest of their lives. It is better that they now learn, while under the supervision of the public school system, to make wise dietary choices. After all, a well-timed sugar crash in third grade may prevent far greater misjudgments in college.
Conclusion
I must profess in all sincerity to a personal interest in promoting this necessary reform, having observed my young citizen and her comrades clearly benefit academically and social-emotionally from a deliberative fill-up on candy goodness during school hours, even though it is not presently permitted. Though, I must also confess to holding a modest amount of stock in a local candy shop near a local elementary.
I merely offer this proposal for the good of the children of the nation, in the hopes that one day our children may roam the cafeterias free, joyful, and sticky-fingered, munching on chocolate with teeth to which gobs of sugared crystals from lollypops are affixed, beneath the watchful eye of liberty herself.
Reader – If you cannot support allowing elementary students the option of candy at school despite all the reasons above, then by precisely the same logic, you should oppose allowing high school students to access personal smart devices during school hours.
Author’s Note: This work is a parody inspired by Jonathan Swift’s 1729 essay “A Modest Proposal.”
Emily Bauer is a member of Ok To Delay in Connecticut.